So what is the worst fear of my life

Heres one more From Rishi Dashottar ...
well he says he is not in a mood to start up with the blog right now becoz he feels he will not be a regular at this adoration of blogs
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Prologue: I came home in a suicidal state of mind. I might flunk my ABD paper. If that happens, I might never go to US for my higher studies. All my plans are killed. But as usual, no matter what I went through during my day, I decided to watch a DVD. What happens next……………..

So what is the worst fear of my life? Last night I saw a movie called the royal tenenbums.I really felt happy at the end. I don‘t know why but I suppose b’coz royal died.

So it was death of a character in that movie which made me happy. No. you cannot say that but it helped me relieve my tension.

What if I really fail in the ABD paper? I suppose I am not able to feel the gravity of this matter but whatever I can think of, what if ,see by the perspective that at the end ,that is my death ,does it matter. No it doesn’t matter.

The only thing failing in ABD paper will do is I‘ll not be able to walk on my plans.

That’s it. I think I can afford the shock of not being able to walk on my plans.Afterall the failure only shows my disinterest in the subject, lack of practice, lack of strategy planning, but not my intellectual lackness.I am not unintelligent and god I am really true to that but I suffer from various personality disorders.

Today I am feeling good. This always happen to me. I encounter a good day a very good day after the darkest hours in my life. However I strongly feel that I do not have composure. That I do not have e a particular and a constant state of mind. It’s only in the times of low tides that I possess a composition.

What a family is. I can’t say. Family consists of father, mother, siblings. Siblings are of no use. Just is that u have to stick to blood relation. you do many things in front of them which the world can’t think of you doing really. But siblings really make u angry and hurt u badly.

Mother, u really feel protected when u r are near her. Her touch, her lap is the most protected areas. I can face even my worst fears if only I have her touch on my body, only if she takes me on her lap.

Father … head .he is really good, u can’t manage without him. He shows u how to fight this world. How to hard work and multitasking and take care of ur family. How to sustain the most unwanting times with courage and hope for a smile in any worse situation. And also to how to manage finances and sacrifice. And how to pay ur son’s gargantuan bills on internet. (My father jus paid 28,000 rs for my phone and internet consumption) And how to accept weaknesses of other.

But then why family disintegrates. Why I do not talk to my father and mother. Why I am always angry on them. Why I sometimes really mad at them. Why I keep my doors closed to them.

I don’t know. May be the world is designed in a wrong way. Yes it is. Or may be we expect a lot.

I think I have developed a liking toward cigarettes its bad but I think I’ll have one in few days. I cannot give logic here but I cannot give logic for not having one either. I think if there is no one then there is cigarette. That’s, it’s a new disorder in making.

Epilogue: 1) I cleared my ABD paper, many other people in my class failed but not me.

2) I started talking with my dad.

3) But still he makes me angry.

4) Till now, I am smokeless, not even a single cigarette kissed my lips.

5) My internet and phone bill for this month is rupees 688.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

This is one request from one of my frend, who wants to air his view on this distinct podiam. Cheers to Rishi Dashottar.

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prologue: i jus came home with a laptop in my bag.this is for the first time i'll be using it.the lap is of my frnd's and i have rented it for one day.as i opened the desktop, there are sum bhajans and spritual songs and the usual folders.
these thoughts follows what happened next.

the laptop is good.all the best things are on the desktop.but as i explore,open folders beneath the desktop, all the scum appears. the analogy may be applied to us, the humans.we all are good on our face.nobody cannot, by looking at me ,tell , that what my desires are.and how i fulfill them.

or it may be reverse, many may be surprised to know how gud am i than what i luk to them .but there is very little possibility for that event.we wear our best masks, isn't it. nobody can let their desires go, and hence we all are same.nobody is different.we jus same.so what is it i am looking in for.i don't know.every day i meet many disappointments,sum very serious disappointments.i absolutely believe i am lesser than every other out there.

i know this, nobody can deny this.i know sum people jus don't like me.but is that enugh to feel less.it is very difficult to stand this world and for sure...........we have succumbed to wrong ways to fight with each other.and why fight at all,baby b"coz
we have desires.

desires are dark waters.happy faces may lie.nothing is more tempting than ur carnal desires. AND the worst thing abt carnal is that u can't satisfy them at once.it's like "gajar ki ghas" " jus keeps growing when u think u cut them at roots."lust" is the most potent energy within us.

nobody can deny this.
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Shifted to WordPress!!

Owing to really cool features provided by WordPress (www.wordpress.com), I have shifted to it.

http://unpredictablerulz.wordpress.com

PS: All posts of this blog (except this one) have been ported there, so there is no need to keep checking this one.

A Life "NOT" less ordinary

I dont know what is it that has gone into the nerves of the people today. High on Booze, Smokin big brands,and God knows what else. I mean i have heard people say " Hey If u havent tried it, u r missin some gr8 fun",I say," I am not the one most enervated of them all". " Try this out, for once ",( invitation to a friendly bud ) ,"thanx".

"You dont need to be high on one of those to have some fun and frolic". Just tap your foots in your room and shake ur bum to a fav number, and yea try it out, Feel it.... move it, shake it as u like .... yea thats it... i think thats more fun than stuffin urself with those toxicatin substances.

Hangin out late nights is "IN" and "WHAT?? He sleeps at 12:00 !! Wakes up at 6:00!! He needs some life dude.Me sleeps at 4:00 in the mornin". Heck, you dont need some boozo to tell whats a LIFE and whats not.Try someday wakin up at 6:00 and feel that whip of fresh air, the chirpin of birds. Its something.

No,No. I aint someone from some "TRETAYUG" or like. I aint no saint, taken no nirvana from life.But this is whats going on around me, my life, my friends,my society. Have anythin to say ... huh....

DISCLAIMER: it does not mean a simple and clean life does not include :-
a) Bunkin classes
b) Playin Pranks on ur friend
c) Doing Some good BC on "THE TOPICS" and "YOUR FEELINGs"
d) Havin Crush
e) Watchin "THE MOVIES"
f) Using cheat codes while playin AGE
h) Christenin your dean or your physics prof or friend (second names, other than the ones christened by their parents)
g) and stuff so forth .... ( U know what i mean ...)

Analysing Love

Love ... this is what people keep doing these days, its so common. Whenever you get a little friendly with a person, the most obvious question is, "Do you have a girlfriend?" This somewhat says that its necessary for someone who has come out of his/her childhood to fall in love. Is it some kind of fashion?

I am a guy, so most part of this article, I'll look at it from the "man's point of view".

When some person tells another that he loves her, what implications does it have? Does it mean that if the other one feels the same then they'll have a valid license to please each other physically till one of them or both think its no longer possible to remain "in love". If not physically, then we can talk about pleasing each other by talking sweetly.

If we say, love is friendship, then how does the "sex" part of it get explained. Friends generally can be really close, care for each other, love each other, etc, etc. But, love (as defined generally) is not just friendship but a little more. Does that mean that friendship is "inferior" to love, and that every friendship is actually just a hit and trial process to get into love with your friend?

Boys generally think about falling in love with girls which are "at a minimum required level of beauty". Any girl below it, is rejected without any consideration. That can be explained with the natural phenomenon of selecting the "better, stronger, healthier" partner so that the offspring is good. But, are we really talking about offsprings here? And when in todays world, we have such so-called unnatural phenomenon of homosexuals and all, how are we justifying based on "natural tendencies"?

A little more mature people look for someone who understands them, who cares for them, whom they are comfortable with, etc, etc. Don't all these parameters fit into a best friend too? Then, when you have a "best friend" who fulfils all these requirements, whats the need of a "lover".

When we are in love, we are "allowed" to do certain things. If we carefully judge, then getting close physically is the ONLY thing which one can't do with a best friend. So, this should mean that a LOVER is better than the best friend. Why is the best friend called "best" then? And generally, a person's best friend just remains his friend, and someone whom he just got impressed by seeing once or twice becomes "the lover". How right is that?

Ok, so lets sum it up. Friendship is an intermediate step to Love, and a LOVER is better than your BEST FRIEND. But, most of the time, your BEST FRIEND is not your LOVER. This leaves me with so many questions in mind. If someone tells me that she loves me, what should I say? Is it not true that my best friend(of opposite sex, to remain in the "normal" category) is a more deserving person for the post of LOVER? And if making someone a LOVER just adds the "physical" sense, then I don't think love is for me, how cheap can it get?

You might wonder why am I after all the people who are in love. Simple, because I am single. They're busy "doing it" and I am free to analyse.

Listen to your heart/Ways of life...

Sometimes in life it is so good to just remain numb and keep living. Not that many people don't do it but its not very common. People are always trying to do things to help their psychology satisfy the urge that comes from social pressures. A lot of times when we see a so-called 'loser', we tell him, 'get a life, dude!'. We never think that maybe the inactivity, the dullness is actually appealing to him and he is reluctant towards a change. I am not justifying that if someone is in deep shit of sadness and monotonosity, he shouldn't make an effort and keep feeling happy that he likes his present state. But on the other hand, we should not stereotype 'having a life' means anyone who lives life the way we do and does 'cool' things like us.

Well, I'd say its human nature that people tend to think that way, especially the ones who are in high spirits or with their so-called great company of their so-called 'great' friends. I'm not against having fun in life, or someone like a saviour of the 'losers' in life, but why don't we ever pay attention to their way of life, their thoughts, their views, the small pleasures we can give them by doing some petty gestures which are, in their view, of great importance.

Going not very far, I'd want to quote an example from the scene at most colleges, which commonly happens at the beginning of a new term. Most of the time what people call 'ragging' is the worse nightmare for the newcomers. A newcomer, who doesn't know the way of life in the new place, and doesn't know anyone in the there, is THE one who is made fun of and made to do things which in normal circumstances are not human. With sweat on his body, shivering hands, eyes full of fear and tiredness of the whole day, when in the evening he comes to a senior, the senior almost completely kills his self respect and harrasses him like hell. He insults his way of life, which generally is a little "purer" than the senior. In such a situation, put yourself in the pants of a senior and think for a while. If, along with having all the fun, you say two three consoling words to the junior, it'd increase his morale by 1000%, he'd be more than glad to talk to you, to know that you care and maybe then the fun of ragging will be just fun and no humiliation and sadness. This is just one example of how people in their own intoxicated environment forget to care about someone not as expressive and lively and just crush his thoughts, self respect and happiness.

There is another factor which comes into play in such circumstances. That is REPUTATION. Most people live for a particular reputation in the society. If I am the stud of the college, I cannot love a little badlooking girl even if I love her truly or something. This is because the "frame" in which people put me doesn't expect that I do such an act, even if my heart tells me to. This is definitely not right. Oh, wait, now don't misinterpret. You'd say, society says don't drink, my reputation says don't drink, but my heart says drink! So, as you said, people should listen to their hearts, I'd start drinking. Hell no. This is not the meaning. At a suitably good enough age, one knows what is right and what will hurt someone. Just to remain inside the "expected frame" of your SOCIAL REPUTATION, you let yourself do the wrong, or if not do wrong then stop yourself from doing the right thing is what I am against.

If one knows what will make someone feel better and your heart says you should do it, then the society, your friend circle, your family, or anyone should not become your mental blockage. Just make yourself do it. And then, if someone asks, WHY DID YOU DO IT? or HOW THE HELL COULD YOU DO IT? then there is only one reply....

I listened to what my heart said!

The life of a human in the present world..

This is an essay I wrote on 20 October 2003. Now that I've a space for my thoughts on the internet, I am publishing it here. Read it carefully.

People are eagerly waiting at the door of an operation theatre. After a long time the nurse comes out and says, "Congratulations, it is a boy!"

He is a very cute, chubby child, the apple of everyone's eye. All members of the family love him. He is brought up with the greatest of care.

"Mom, I am going out with friends." the boy shouts. He is now seven. He plays with his friends on the muddy grounds, soiling all his clothes. The mother is busy preparing his favorite dish. "I got hurt, I got wounded!!" the boy comes in crying. It's a minor cut, but the mother's heart sinks. She drops the cup of coffee in her hands and hastens for first-aid.

"I got A grade" the boy comes in triumphantly. His parents are proud of their son. He is the best student in his class. His friends envy him. He enjoys his position.

"I wonder what you feel about me, Jessica. I think I am in love with you" the boy speaks hesitantly to the girl he is mad about. The girl blushes in affirmation. Now his life completely transfigures. All the people in the school gossip about their affair. The boy shows anger from the top but feels great from inside.

He, his friends and his girlfriend- they are a group now. He goes out with them. There is no day when they don't chat for five hours at least.

Looking into the heart of the boy, we see that though he enjoys himself with his friends but he has not realized their value. He feels as if his friends will accompany him throughout his life. His inattention to his surroundings is very natural too.

Human beings fail to recognize the value of what is easily accessible. But, the fact is that even if a petty thing like the nail of the left thumb is hurt, it can cause a lot of pain and suffering to a person. Nothing to speak of more valuable possessions like friends and family. After the valuable thing is gone, they groan about losing it. The boy was a human too.

He got selected in a prestigious college. Everyone around admired him. His friends congratulated him. His girlfriend was happy that she loved such an intelligent person. He left for college.

People told him that the relations with friends will eventually die out. He would tell them that it is a thing of past now. With the advancements in science and technology the physical distances don't matter. They will remain silent on listening to his explanation.

He left happily from home. He promised all his friends and 'her' that he would contact them as soon as he reached there.

His new life began in his college. Knock-knock, "Get up for classes" he rubs his eyes sleepily, waking up to find his friends beating avidly at the door. He gets up lazily and goes to brush his teeth. "A very busy day today" he thinks in his mind as he prepares to sleep. The days pass at a fast pace. It has been a month since he joined the institute. His girlfriend is still waiting for his first e-mail.

Two days later he gets a off day. He contacts all his friends as well as 'her'. They are overjoyed to talk to him. He returns to his room happily. He thinks about the people who told him that friends lose touch. He feels sad that he is away from home. He thinks of the roads, the people, and the buildings of his place.

"C'mon catch this. You have to do it" he shouts energetically to his friend. It is the last ball. A do or die condition. "Out!!" they all shout happily.

Suddenly he is in the chemistry class. "Science stream students don't indulge in such things" the teacher stresses. "Get up" the boy whispers to his friend who is taking a nap sitting on the last bench.

"I am leaving if you don't say anything" she warns him when they sit in a private corner of the customary meeting place. "Oh, you are such a spoil sport" he retorts.

"Arrange your clothes properly my son" his mother suggests. "I am going out" he says the usual, ignoring her words.

Knock-knock, "Get up for classes", and a new day begins.

One night, in his dreams, the words of those people start ringing in his mind. He now knows that they were right. "You still talk with them", the other part of his mind denies his former thoughts.

"Talk with them? Do I really talk with friends? I talk with icons on my messenger window and with e-mail addresses. What used to be a six-foot, lively, beloved, helpful, and indescribable friend is now nothing but a lifeless link to an equally insensitive Yahoo messenger account. Things are not the same. They have changed."

"An icon? The icon is just a medium for your communication. The friendship is still as strong and warm as it was ever. When I go home, I will tell them how much I missed them. There is not a single moment when I don't think about them. They are alive in my heart."

"Wow, what an explanation! Where do you have the time to think about them? There is not one free moment in your life and you brag of thinking about them always!"

"Time? Do you need time to think that your life is so precious for you? No. Then why do insist on having time to think about people whom you value more than life?"

"Don't talk philosophically...."

Knock-knock, "Get up for classes".

"The train will leave at nine" he says happily to his parents just before leaving for home, giving them the every minute detail on his mobile. "Koooo" the train leaves.

"In four hours I will be there" he thinks gladly.

"Hey guys, I am back!" he speaks excitedly on the phone. They party together in their favorite restaurant. But wait, there is a strange change. Many of his friends tell him that they are busy and can't come to see him. Some leave early giving the excuse of having to finish their assignments.

"Its not the same. I told you" his 'mind' starts fighting again.

"Every human being in this world has the right to live his own life. Did we not do assignments before? Did we not miss movies or matches in order to devote time for studies? Things are the same. You have changed. What was a trivial matter to you before is the most important topic for you today!"

"Indeed..."

Knock-knock, "Get up for classes"

Every teenager leaving home experiences a similar situation... the dilemma, the confusion, the fears and the doubts. Separation from your loved ones is always very painful... and everyone experiences it at some point of time or the other. I, for one, am not so sure as to whether or not friendships last sine die, whether the mere presence of physical distance is sufficient to dampen, if not extinguish, the supposedly eternal flame of love and friendship.

"All the World is a stage and all men and women are but actors", so wrote Shakespeare. In view of this, the show must go on..."